Until we meet again.....

It's never a goodbye.. it's until we meet again.

Have you lost a loved one?

• Yes
• No

---

The older we get, the more we start to lose people dear to our heart to this thing we call death. It's unexpected and so uncontrollable. I have lost three beautiful souls that meant the absolute world to me. These deaths weren't easy and the grief journey is still in progress as we speak. My grief journey has had a lot of twists and turns these past years. Some days I feel okay and others I would rather stay in bed and sleep all day. Sometimes I want to be around a full crowd of people.. others I want to be alone.

June 16th, 2020

April 10th, 2022

October 8th, 2023

To some people they say that death gets easier to handle each time it happens but my opinion to that is, that it kills you greatly the more frequent it occurs to you. You start to become more numb, depressed, and lost on what your purpose is in life. You have this void that can no longer be filled. You start to lose sight of what really matters and that there are still people that need you. My purpose is them, my angels in heaven. Your purpose and your why should be them too. That's what keeps us pushing through the hardships and battles we endure, them. They are in heaven looking at me and guiding me to accomplish what my goal here on earth is. It's the same for your loved ones in heaven too. Do not stop your life and goals because they are watching your every step. Make them proud and be confident while doing it.

We have also been made to be so strong while silent about our feelings. I'm here to make sure you aren't silent anymore by sharing my experience on how I have handled death and continue to go through it. I cry every single day because I miss them. I miss their voice, laugh, smile, fighting with them, and their love. I will never be afraid to admit that I cry even if I am strong. I cry every time I'm alone.. I hear a song that reminds me of them.. or cry because I'm just sad.

PG: I lost my 6 year old nephew due to murder. It was unfair and should have never happened the way it did. I don't wish this kind of pain onto anybody. My grief journey hasn't been an easy one for this death because I feel robbed. I can't get over this death and wish I could turn back time to make all this go away. Until you realize you can't change time and go back to how things used to be. It gets even more difficult when you feel guilty and some sort of blame for why the death happened. You start to question your involvement and if you could have done more to avoid the death from happening in the first place. I'm still learning to get a hold of my emotions during my grief journey, but it's a trial and error I'm apart of. That's okay too, remember that. My heart emotionally and physically shattered that day to hear the death of my nephew. To be awaken by my husband to tell me, our nephew has been killed. It plays in my head and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel like I'm reliving it all over again. I've cried many times, screamed while driving in my car. I've questioned God so many times as to why he had to take him. I was even angry with God because he was so young to be an Angel. Then I thought that God makes these decisions due to things we may not be able to see and understand. I asked God for his forgiveness and asked for him to heal me. I asked for him to turn my anger into forgiveness and peace. I forgave those that hurt me during my time of grieving. Those that attacked me because I wanted to search for further answers, those that tried to step all over me when I was applying pressure to attorneys/law enforcement, those that pushed my sadness to the side because their sadness was more important than mine, those that made me feel like I couldn't grieve properly because he was not my blood, those that showed signs of suspicions and made me feel bad every time I questioned those red flags, those that made me feel bad for telling the truth in that interrogation room, those that made me feel less of an aunt because again he was not my blood, those that told me I couldn't spread his name because I didn't have permission to do so, those that tried to break me when I was at a very weak point in my life and those that went back on everything they said about certain people because they were still family after every wrong and cruel thing they did. My grief started out as angry and has now transitioned into peace and forgiveness. There isn't a step by step process on how to deal with death. It gets harder every single day when you see those memories pop up on your Facebook and Snap chat of those special moments we shared together. All I can tell you is remain calm during those times you feel angry and cry as much as your tears allow you. If you lash out and become triggered, it's okay. That's apart of grieving. Grief happens in ways some of us can't explain. Unfortunately, he should still be here thriving and growing into such a wonderful little boy but he had a different calling. He's a beautiful Angel in Heaven with God. Continue to cry as much as you can readers, listen to those songs that remind you of them, and don't let anyone tell you how to feel during your grief journey. You grieve as you see fit and take all the time you need. Every grief journey is unique and different. I miss him very much and have pictures of him on my family wall to remind myself that his spirit will still be remembered. I will continue to spread his name and make sure he lives on. I celebrate his birthday each year too. I decorate my house with Mine craft decorations because that's what he loved the most. I buy a cake and make dinner as if he was about to barge through my front door to come enjoy his birthday. I won't stop celebrating his birthday and it has now become a tradition within my home to celebrate.

P, it's not a goodbye... it's until we meet again.

FE: I lost my grandmother due to dementia. She was the mother of my father. I loved that woman and learned so much from her. This death also wasn't an easy one to navigate because this nasty disease tore through my family like a tornado. I can't express how much it would hurt to see my abuelita like this. I know it broke my father and aunts/uncles to see her that way. To where she wouldn't remember me or even my name and all I could think about was how scared she could of been. Imagine if you were around people you thought you didn't know? How would you feel? Yeah, that's all that would go through my mind when I would see how she wouldn't be able to recognize anyone. I too questioned God's intentions in this situation because I hated seeing my grandma suffer the way she would. The time she was here, she was so bubbly and always loved to laugh with my dad. I wish I could have taken all the pain away but I couldn't so instead I prayed about it. I prayed for God to protect my grandma and bring her back to normalcy. It was about to be her 90th birthday and my husband an I had our tickets ready for Mexico to celebrate her 90th. My dad was already making plans for a huge celebration. I was excited because I hadn't seen her in a while due to work and school so I was looking forward to it. Instead, three days before I receive a call from my dad letting me know she's not doing too well. I started to panic and asked my husband if I should make accommodations to leave early, but my dad assured me that she was okay now. It sounded to me like a false alarm until it wasn't. My dad called me the next morning that she wasn't improving anymore. I was at the gym when he called and decided to leave to gather my thoughts. My dad instructed it was time and if I wanted to see her one last time its best to get a flight now. My husband instantly grabbed the wheel and pulled us over so he could drive. I started looking for plane tickets and found one that would leave that day. I would be in Mexico that evening which would be my last time to say goodbye. I booked it and as soon as we got home I packed. Hours later, my dad called me on Face time and I saw my grandmother peacefully sleeping. I let her know that I apologize for not being there as much as I should have. I cried to her to forgive me, I wanted her to know I was so sorry for not being there. I knew that I still had time but then hours later as I was about to head to the airport, I got the most heartbreaking call from my dad. He let me know she needed oxygen and he hurriedly will go get her some.. She had passed being surrounded by her children. She was waiting for my aunts to arrive so she could go. I was happy that she was surrounded by my dad and aunts. I cried. I screamed. I fell to the ground in my living room floor after I hung up with my dad. My emotions poured out fast and I couldn't hold back my tears any longer. I was trying to be strong for my dad but I had to hang the phone up. My husband came running downstairs to console me after he heard my screams. My initial question was, why didn't God allow for me to see her one last time? I was angry all over again.. and didn't understand why? I had such a crappy night and horrible employment that I had to go to work the next day. I hated myself for going and hated how they didn't want to give me the day off. I didn't sleep all night and wanted to be in Mexico instead. This death killed me more because she was my grandma and felt like I should have done more to be there. I wished there was a cure for dementia. I was angry at the doctors for still not finding a cure to this disease that took my grandmother. Eventually, as time passed and continues to pass I become more at peace with the fact she is no longer suffering. I visit her grave as much as I can and sit there to talk to her and my grandpa. It brings me peace to know that I have a place to visit her and still have some type of closeness to her. I can feel her presence when I sit there sometimes and I can feel like she is listening to me talk. I also have her on my family wall and look at her pictures every day knowing that I had such a great grandma. I am blessed to call her my grandmother, she was an extraordinary woman. Our family has become united and more closer now that she is no longer here. Even though she was the glue of our family, we still try to make sure we come together.

FE, it's not a goodbye... it's until we meet again.

MM: I lost my last grandma due to hepatitis c-cirrhosis of the liver. She was the mother of my mother. We had our differences and difficulties at times but that woman still had a place in my heart. This death is one that I still seem to not get over, not because I don't want to but because it was the most painful to be around. My grandmother was such a diva. She loved to make sure she had makeup on, hair done, and overall a good imagine when she would go out. One thing she loved doing to maintain her imagine was getting work done to her face. She never had a wrinkle in sight, she had her lips colored so she wouldn't have to apply lipstick all the time, she also had her eyebrows tattooed so she didn't have to go through the struggle of coloring them in like we all have to do. She was the definition of imagine matters and it did matter to her a lot. Unfortunately, that's what led to her downfall and ultimately her death. She wasn't visually showing any symptoms when she wasn't feeling good anymore. She tried to keep it a secret as much as she could from us until it wasn't a secret anymore. We came home one night to uncover she couldn't get up anymore. I remained hopeful that there was a cure for whatever she had, until my hope was shattered with all the doctor's feedback. I didn't know what to think or how to feel knowing yet again. I was about to lose my last grandma in front of my eyes and there was nothing I could do about it. The next couple of months were the worst. I saw her decline so quickly to where I felt hopeless. I did everything I could to help despite my hand, knee and ankle injuries. My family and I were put into a position of having to navigate through our lives but still attend to my grandmother. Our lives halted and our full attention was on my grandma. It started gradually and then it escalated quickly to where the hospital was our only option. We wanted answers and we sure did get them. Hepatitis C was curable until it wasn't. Hep c can be transmitted through blood from unsterile tattoo equipment. Therefore, when she would get work done on her face, those people wouldn't be washing their equipment. I felt angry when we found out. I wanted to go to those places she went to and demand answers. I wanted to sue them even for causing this type of pain towards her and us. If hepatitis c is untreated for a very long time it starts to attack your liver which is exactly what happened in this situation. Her death was due to negligent people not sterilizing their equipment. I can't and still can't let that go. I want someone to be held responsible for this because if it wasn't for their equipment this would have never happened. We would still have her here. Be careful where you go when you get work done or even tattoos. People are careless when it comes to others lives and negligent too. The first time we went to the hospital, they gave us hope she would get through this. After the second time of visiting the hospital, the doctors let us know there was nothing else that could be done for her. She also wasn't a candidate for transplants either because of her age. We were now pushed into a corner with our only option being hospice. We chose to do hospice at home granting and fulfilling my grandmother's wishes. We were told she had three months left and to cherish the time we had with her. We did everything we could for her and the time she had left. The days seemed dark, each day she declined more and more. Less talking, less life in her, less of her being a person, and eventually we knew she no longer was here anymore. Until the morning of her death which our lives came crumbling down. We didn't know it was going to be the last night we got to spend with her, but we were all there as family. We were there with her and kept reminding her she wasn't alone. There were many things left unsaid between her and I, but I know she is in a better place and at peace. I loved her very much and will continue to maneuver myself through my grief of her death. It hasn't been easy and still very fresh within our family. I want to thank everyone that was here during our time. I can say that our family has become more united with each other. We use to never hug each other and now our hugs become endless. We use to talk every once in a while, now we speak everyday more than once a day. I wish nothing but being united for everyone that has lost a loved one during these hard times. Family is all you have and if you don't value it and take care of it.. it can be all gone in a blink of an eye.

MM, it's not a goodbye... it's until we meet again.

Angie's Advice:

Cherish your time with your family as much as you can. Make time for your family regardless of your situation and difficult circumstances. Friends come and go but family doesn't. Family gets taken from us due to other underlying factors but mostly because our time has expired here on earth with them. I never take my family for granted like some people do. I know people that isolate and continue to isolate themselves from their family. Continue to never be around them and could careless to make an effort to be around and included. The only time you'll see them is at the funeral and that's if you're lucky that they even come to that. Please show up as much as you can because you'll never know when it's the last time you see them. Never allow anger to enter into your heart to where you never see them again. Learn to forgive and understand that everyone is human and makes mistakes. As long as the mistakes are being corrected, all you can do is continue to grow the relationship and make memories with the time you have left. I never imagined in a million years that it would be my last time seeing them that day, but i'm forever grateful for the time I did have knowing I didn't take advantage of it or them. I hold guilt on myself each and everyday but I know God and them will forgive me for not being there as much as I wanted to be. Take pictures with your loved ones as much as you can.. videos too. Allow them to leave voicemails on your phone for you to have their voice to hear when they longer are here anymore. And most importantly, be there for each other when you don't feel like getting up that day or don't feel like you want to be here anymore. Your life is too precious to want to end it because of depression. Check on your loved ones because the ones with the biggest smile are the ones that are dying inside the most.

Please send me messages on your experience with dealing with grief and how you are doing, I would love to chat.