A L O N E

"I do not fear being alone my dear, I fear being in a room full of people I can not trust" - Brooke Hampton

I always thought being alone growing up was such a bad thing until I understood that maybe being alone isn't as bad as everyone makes it seem to be. My parents taught me to be independent and never rely on anybody because they will let you down every chance they get. I thank my parents everyday for teaching me that concept to be alone and never to rely on anyone no matter what. Why should you never give someone/people the leverage of your happiness? Disappointment is the answer. You will get disappointed with people time and time again when you recognize that everyone isn't like you or does the same things like you would. You can only expect the bare minimum from people. Sadly, that's the harsh truth of this thing we call life.

I grew up seeing my father and his siblings become so close with each other, which meant that I was very close with my cousins. Everyone was present for birthdays, get together's, holidays, and many more events.. we loved spending time together despite our distance from one another. Some family lived in Mexico and Bolivia but the distance wasn't going to stop us from enjoying our time together during the summer vacations. My mother had so many coworkers that turned into her closest friends and eventually family. Her friend's wouldn't miss anything when it came to my mother. I always told myself I wanted to have friends like those, but let me tell you guys... trying to find people that are reliable, honest, and would treat you the way you want to be treated is extremely hard to find these days. I am truly grateful for the small amount of close friends I do have because we all deserve to have true friends that we can count on.

I've had so many poor friendships and relationships back then. But recently, I catch myself asking the same questions over an over again. The questions are as follows:

1. Why can't people show up to my events/special moments but can show up to other people's things?

2. I expect what I give out so why isn't that being reciprocated back to me?

3. Why is it hard to show up for your family/friends?

4. Why don't they answer my texts but are always on the phone when they are around me?

5. Why can't they answer my phone calls, but when they are around me they are on a phone call/facetime call?

6. Why are they out with other people but when asked to come out with me they can't?

7. Why am I the only one making plans with them?

8. Why If I don't reach out to them all the time, we won't ever speak again?

9. Why don't they take accountability for being a crappy friend/family and fix their actions instead of playing the blame game?

10. Why if they acknowledge being crappy to you they don't fix it but instead would rather ruin years and time of the friendship or family ties?

11. Am I asking too much of people to just be there for me how I am there for others?

12. Why am I always there for everyone but nobody is there for me when I need them?

13. Why don't they jump for me but I always jump for them?

14. Why are so many excuses being made when it comes to me and my special days/events?

15. Why do they half-ass when it comes to me?

16. Are they my friend/s or was I just theirs?

17. Are they my family or am I just theirs?

18. Why do people treat good and loyal people like me this way?

19. When is it time to walk away and cut them off?

20. I know my worth so why am I still here?

I treat everyone as I would like to be treated. Therefore, I shouldn't have to ask these questions to myself. If you are asking these questions to yourself, maybe it's time to reconsider your friendship and family ties. Make a change within your life to find better people and realize you deserve better. Eventually, we all find better people that want to be apart of our life journey.

I cried and cried, begged and begged for people to be good to me during my difficult times. I cried when everyone left me by myself when I got bit by my dog from their dog fight. I cried when nobody cared that I sprained my ankle and needed a hug. I cried when people didn't take my injury seriously. I cried when people didn't want to come help me when I couldn't cook for myself. I cried when people were hanging out with other friends and didn't care to check in on me. I cried when I wasn't receiving phone calls and texts to see how I was holding up. I cried when I couldn't do anything and nobody cared. I cried when nobody cared that I was afraid of my dogs the first few weeks and didn't want to be alone at my house. I cried when I got rejected from my dream law school and nobody paid attention to me. I cried when nobody came by to visit and offer emotional support. I cried when my close friends abandoned me during this. I cried when my friends didn't reach out to me to offer condolences for my grandmother after everything we went through with her. I cried watching the video of the dog fight and me in the middle every single day so I wouldn't be afraid anymore. I cried knowing I had to be strong for myself. I cried for hours of pain from my stitches to open a bottle of water for me to drink. I cried I couldn't take a shower by myself. I cried how I couldn't drive to work. I cried I couldn't go to the gym anymore. I cried I couldn't be at the hospital with my grandma. I cried when no one came to the hospital to offer their shoulder for me to cry on. I cried when I couldn't call those friends that abandoned me just to vent. I cried when my stitches were stuck to my dressing and everybody called me dramatic/cry baby. I cried when I wasn't taken serious of my injury at all. I cried when my injury wasn't getting better after a few weeks. I cried when I couldn't move my hand like I use to before. I cried when people told me not to take things personal with people after they were hurting me. I cried when nobody was there to pick me up when I was on the ground. I cried seeing the pictures of my recovery and it wasn't getting better. I cried when people told me they couldn't be there for me because they were going through something more important. I cried when all I wanted was company at my house and nobody cared. I cried when everybody kept kicking me while I was already on the ground. I cried when I saw I wasn't important to anyone and I CRIED when I realized nobody was there when I needed them the most.

I CRIED.

After my cries and sadness I started to create boundaries with people to avoid from being hurt again. Even though it hasn't been easy creating them, I have noticed a change in what I will allow and not allow within my friendships and family. I will not allow any type of disrespect to the family I have created with my husband and my two dogs. I will not allow half friends/family that will choose to be there when they want. You are fully in my life during my good and bad times or you are fully out! I will not allow people to feed me lies and excuses whenever it comes to me anymore. You either show up for me or you will not be invited/included anymore. If you have time for other people but don't make time for me then you will no longer have access to me. I will not allow jealousy and competition from you of who will get to the goal faster or who should make more money due to experience rather than education or who has a better job than the other. I do not need to compete with anyone nor do I care to compete with my friends and family. I will not allow that mindset around me because friends and family shouldn't be in competition with one another. I will not allow manipulation towards me to get what you want and consideration of only your feelings while you stomp all over me and my feelings just because you are older than me. We all are adults here and nobody is wiser or more better than anyone else no matter how old you are or experience you have been through. I will not allow for people to come into my home and enjoy the luxury of things I can offer/plan after they have disrespected me but I have to allow them to come around just because they are family. Family is just as toxic as friends and vice versa, but I demand respect just as I give respect. If you don't answer my texts but you clearly are on your phone or active on social media, therefore I will no longer be answering your texts or phone calls anymore either. You will not tell me to do something or correct someone else from doing something just because you don't like it, have some respect. These are some boundaries I have created this year. It's okay if some of these boundaries are incorporated by you. Do not be afraid to create boundaries but be aware that some or majority of people will not be around anymore after you do create them.

I have lost so many friends/family this year because of boundaries that I have put in place. I finally realized that I don't need to keep people around me if I don't like how they are treating me or being a friend towards me. I was so disappointed on how things were left with some of my friends but I understood if our friendship was real then they wouldn't have treated me the way they did and left things the way they did. That goes for you as well, if you have to bend your boundaries to accommodate a certain relationship, friendship or family member, let it go! If a door closes on someone another will open for someone else to come into your life. You matter too. Your feelings are valid too. You deserve better too. Do not break your back for someone/people that wouldn't think twice to kick you while you're down. It's not worth it and it's not healthy for us as human beings. My friends abandoned me when I needed them the most and those actions weren't from my true friends. It took me a while to realize that but once I did, I didn't hesitate to remove more of these so called friends. My circle is so small that I can count on one hand, but it doesn't matter how small it is. Quality over quantity is key and important to me moving forward in my life. I wanted to be angry and stay angry at those that abandoned me during my hardest times I have endured but instead i'm more at peace. I'm peaceful at how things ended and pleased with how things were left. No response is a response and it's louder than words could ever be. I was blinded by those bad friends that I forgot about the friends that were still standing with me through it all. That were there when I did need someone. When I needed a hand, they reached out and gave more than just a hand. Don't allow letting those people go ruin your happiness because they aren't worth your tears and sadness. I have allowed people to ruin my happiness time and time again by not showing up to any of my parties, get together's, holidays, etc while they could give a care in the world about how I feel when they don't come. They could careless about how much I have spent on planning everything, the money I have put into it and most importantly my feelings when I see the lack of effort when it comes to me. My heart was shattered this year and I was afraid to fall into that dark hole that seems to creep up on us when we are at a very low and weak point. I didn't let depression take over me this time, instead I maintained hopeful and prayed every chance I got for God to heal me from this heartache that I was feeling. Everyone knew I wasn't doing good mentally and physically but they still did what they wanted to do towards me, but one person who held my head up high was God. My friends abandoning me when I needed them the most didn't make me bitter or angry, it made me more attentive and aware of who I allow in my life and who I already have in it. Don't become angry and bitter with people because they have done you wrong. Forgive them in order for you to move on and be at peace. Just because you forgive them doesn't mean you have to allow them to come back in your life again.

My happiness will be determined of me and only me moving forward. Have you ever gone out to lunch or dinner by yourself? Or were you too ashamed and embarrassed to go by yourself? I tell you that you need to try it once in your lifetime. If you can enjoy your own company you won't need anyone to come to whatever you have going on to decide if you'll be happy that night or not. I also have heard this from my dad but the only friend you ever need is your spouse(if you have one). My husband is truly my best friend. We have movie nights, go out to eat, date nights, enjoy our grocery store runs, and the list can go on. So if I have my spouse, my parents, close family, and close friends that are always there when I need them then what else do I need? Absolutely nothing. Therefore, all we really need are the ones that want to be around. Never beg anyone to be in your life and be a good friend to you, EVER! Everyone is going through something that they don't talk about but one thing, they are still there for their friends when they are needed. Take a moment to really look at those people, like really really look at them! Ask yourself what kind of life are they living? The choices they are making time and time again. The things they do and how they go about those things. Misery sure does loves company, so if those people are unhappy with themselves how could they ever be happy with you as their friend or be a good friend to you?

At the end of the day God has your back and will protect you from things you can't see and things you can't hear that are being said behind your back. The people that have been cut off and let go this year was because God heard and saw things that you and I didn't. The person I am and was raised to be will continue to be a good person and wish them well. I take what people do to me so personal because I wouldn't have done any of those things to them in a million years. They have shown their true colors and have shown me colors that I have never seen in a crayon box before, but I'm forever grateful they did what they did and shown me how careless they were to my feelings. Respectfully, Good riddance!

Despite how my feelings were trampled on, how some could still have kicked me when they clearly saw I was already on the ground, and how some cared less about my emotional state of mind during all this. Regardless of all the bad circumstances I endured this year of 2023, I am still standing strong!!! This year has not been an easy one for me and I know a lot of people have been going through their silent battles too this year. The year is almost over and I'm glad you are still here with me, we did it and we made it through the hardships. Look at the bright side, we all are still alive, happy and healthy, stable jobs, and have our family and loved ones around us to push us to become better. We have some in heaven navigating us to our success along with keeping hope to see them again, and most importantly God as our ultimate guide for this life we continue to live and conquer each and every day.

Angie's Advice:

It's okay to remove yourself when you aren't being valued or appreciated. It's okay to give yourself time to be alone away from the social media noise and all the drama. Do not be afraid to be alone. Don't confuse being alone as isolating yourself from everyone. It's just simply removing yourself from those that no longer serve a purpose in your life. After everything I've been through these past couple of months and my friends abandoning me during the most horrific time of my life, did I really need them to begin with? In fact, I'm still standing stronger than ever even if I have scars and bruises from being beaten after all I needed was just a hand. Instead they gave me their back and I thank them for that. God sat me down and made me understand that I didn't really need them after all. Instead all along I had a great support system of people that never left my side such as my husband, my parents, close family, and my true friends so was I really alone after all or was God showing me who no longer needed to have a seat at my table?

Please remember, if you ever need to talk to someone my inbox is always open.